the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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