Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
