I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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