Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
