I think i peed on brittanys purse
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
you never un-have a 4some
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
