I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
