Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
