he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize