I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
only you would photoshop your dick
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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