Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
