did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
