But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize