My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
