I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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