My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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