He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
