i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Randomize
