I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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