sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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