if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
