Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
