Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize