I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
PANTIES FOUND
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
