I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
