she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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