i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize