I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
