sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
