is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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