Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
