I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
