Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
