i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
