A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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