Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
