Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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