I cannot find my penis.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
