remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize