My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
