I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
