Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize