I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize