Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I am available for nakedness
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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