He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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