I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
