Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
