I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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