He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
