She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
