my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
