I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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