I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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