just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize