a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize