so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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