she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
