i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
