We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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