Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
