Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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