I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
