I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
