I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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